Shalom beloveds
I found some old blog pieces hidden on my laptop somewhere and I was specifically reading through two blog posts that were posted on my first website: one written at the start of 2016 and one written at the end. I noticed a shift in my life and how I was slowly coming back to God unbeknownst to me. I was also reminded of that difficult year as well as all the battles that led up to some of the most difficult decisions I was about to make. I wanted to share it here to display what God was busy doing and the context behind that time of my life. Below I will share the first entry written somewhere in the beginning of 2016, where I lived a worldly and sinful life. The latter entry was written on the last day of 2016, a few weeks after I had a supernatural encounter with the Holy Spirit (whilst being unaware that this was the voice of the Lord), and during that time I was giving up my old life bit by bit.
The beginning of 2016…
“Hi, I apologise for my silence and lack of website posts. It has been a busy few months since I last “graced” you with my presence. Numerous things have happened and I have been too busy to write, which is bad, I must admit. I have started to go back to completing my degree and in the midst of all of the research, reading and assignment submissions, I also moved out of my parent’s house and in with my boyfriend. It has been a highly occupied rollercoaster. I am a late bloomer, I have realised this as I was delving into myself, and there I found a new me: a refreshing and delightful side of me that managed to sift through all the bullshit and accept myself. And let me tell you this, it is beautiful when you reach that point of balance. Let me go into more detail with you.
I had given up on myself. I had given up on my dreams and whilst in my mid to late twenties I have STILL been searching for who I am, and after all this making up and breaking up dance I have been doing with myself, I decided to cut the crap and pick up where I left off. So I went back to studies (but part time this time around). I am able to enjoy it again and push myself harder and stay more focused without the help of my fellow classmates.
Moving in with my boyfriend was a big step, and even though I am almost a month in, it still comes with its minor challenges and major adjustments. Sleeping patterns still feel like a maze and we still feel like we are in a rat race trying to make our schedules gel. Cooking is a breeze though, because I love it and my boyfriend is the best person to cook for, he’s always appreciative like a kid on Christmas day. Whenever I cook he is always extremely happy and loves my dishes- it just makes it all worth it. I’ll slave over a stove for him any day. Now I get to cook for him every day, and to me, that is one of the best feelings in the world.
I am however, bombarded with syllabi reading that I cannot even read any of my new (unread) books. Right now I have completed all of my assignments and am studying for my upcoming exams. My weekends consist of staying in, reading, studying, cooking and catching up on my long last love- sleep! But I am getting used to it, and I appreciate the quietness and space I have for myself (when my boyfriend is away from home). I am not fond of too many people around me either. I am able to focus a little more on my creative side, even though writing has not happened much my side as of late but it’s getting there.
Things are looking up for me and I think this year will be much, much better!
Ps I promise to write/post more…”
The end of 2016…
“Au revoir 2016! It has finally come to the last day of this dreadful and tiring year. It seems as though 2016 has taken the toll out of many all across the world. This morning I felt the sudden urge to write about this year. So much has happened: many legendary celebrities died, the United States forced to welcome a new president, more violence, hate crimes and deaths all over the globe. But a lot of good has also come out of this year, like Leonardo Di Caprio finally winning an Oscar, Beyonce’ releases an album that shed light on what really went on in her marriage and we all commend her for this, as well as Mother Teresa finally canonised! These are just a few of the many tragedies and victories that were birthed during 2016. But each and every one of us has had our very own trials and tribulations this year.
As some of you may be aware of, I have been going through many quiet periods whereby I haven’t shared much on my blog/website. But every now and again I’ve popped by to post something. My year started off with many changes- starting my studies again and also moving out of my parent’s house and living with my boyfriend. That entire mixture of things has drained me entirely, but I managed to rake through it all quite impressively, and also juggling the domestic life as well as my newly acquired sleeping patterns (i.e another person’s body sleeping next to mine, including their own sleeping habits). Although moving out of your parents house seems rebellious and exciting at first, once you’re out you learn how much more work you will be doing because mom and dad are no longer around to carry the load like cooked meals, washing, house work, gardening, broken electrical appliances, etc. This is now all on you. You know the saying “more money, more problems”? Well think of this as “more freedom, more work”. At first it was perfect, dreamy and fun. But I have to do loads more for myself, even though my partner carries half the load, my day is always filled with more tasks to complete. And if that doesn’t tickle your fancy, then I still have to finish assignments, sit with reading and research for each of my university modules/subjects at the end of a full day’s work. Sleep is then a distant memory and thought. That was me not too long ago. After mastering all of the above, I also had family ties and friendships to maintain and nurture. Adulting is super hard!
When the first semester was over, I decided to take a semester break and continue with the rest in the new year. Oh, how the days have flown by! I also started questioning if doing the same course for so long is even what I really want to do. This past few months have just been a counseling session to myself, by myself: re-evaluating my entire existence, including everything and everyone in and around my life (kind of like detoxing your whole life). I realised that I’ve lost touch with my spiritual, emotional and Christian side. Because of worldly things and people, I have started to lack the feeling of compassion, being kind, loving and good-hearted. I felt compelled to get in tune with this side of me- the one who had all of these qualities. I made a decision to become a practising Christian, incorporating Godly ways into everything I do and say. After two weeks, I immediately felt compassionate and became kind. Sometimes the bad creeps up on me, but I continue to pray and believe that God has a solution and a plan. It’s still a long road ahead but I take each day as it comes.
You see, I started 2016 in a mess and had a whole different personality, but I ended 2016 on a good note and took it with me: life lessons that are universally welcomed, but yet lacked. I am more in touch with my feelings and am therefore able to speak and write about things so easily, it’s as if I have only just discovered my talent for writing. So on this day, the last of 2016 (Central African Time), I bid farewell to a year of lost loves, friends, foes, bad habits and all the things that has made us hang on a last thread every day, and I say thank you and good riddance. I hope that in the last few hours of this day, that you also analyse your life, its purpose and everything involving it. Spare a thought (or prayer) to those less fortunate, to those suffering, to those in prison, on the streets, in orphanages and old age homes. We are all here to help and take care of each other, even these people. Help those who can’t help themselves and you shall be blessed even more (this is from somewhere in the Bible).
Have a fantastic N.Y.E., be safe and good. Goodbye!”
I read through these posts and realised how God was planting seeds in my heart. These were seeds that could never thrive within the environments I was in because they were still dormant. They could never blossom and bare fruit of the Holy Spirit, until my mindset, my lifestyle changed, but more importantly, these seeds could not grow until I died to my flesh, by not only believing in YHWH but also surrendering to Him and following His lead. So, by the end of 2016, I had shed my old self like removing dirty and torn garments one by one: I had left my old life behind and, slowly but surely, returned back to the arms of my Heavenly Father as the prodigal daughter that I was. I hope and pray that this shows you how a lost sheep heard the voice of the Shepherd and found their way back to Him.
Thank you for reading, till next time…
Peace and blessings in Yeshua.
