Shalom beloveds.
Bianca is so inspirational! I am always left speechless by her adventures. I met her through one of my closest friends a few years ago and I instantaneously loved her energy (and her humour). She has this gentle, yet powerful nature that intrigues you. She has a captivating story of singleness that runs both beautifully and deeply, through years of staying hidden within Adonai. I am still in awe by the magnitude thereof. Let’s read all about it below:
Would you please tell the readers a bit about yourself?
My name is Bianca, I am 34 years old and a veterinary nurse…although, I am learning to not define myself by what I do and am trying to focus more on who I am, because who I am is so much more important than what I do to pay the bills and I think sometimes we forget that. I am South African born and bred but currently reside in the beautiful city of Edinburgh. If you had told me a year ago that this is where I would be, I would never have believed you. I love South Africa so much, but I wanted to explore the world and have more opportunities to travel, and I was growing tired of talking about it but never taking the leap, and so in September 2022, I took that leap, with my 2 suitcases and moved to England. I never felt like I was settling and for whatever reason, I kept feeling this tugging to go to Scotland, and so with hope and faith, I moved here in September 2023. It is still early days, but I have settled in so nicely here and am feeling more content which has been a huge blessing. I love many things in this life – I love photography, reading, nature, hiking…I think I am a spring and autumn girl, more than a summer or winter person…although, winter in Edinburgh has been pretty magical. I am a people loving introvert. I really love the idiosyncrasies of humans. Sometimes people think I am laughing at them, but I actually just find people pretty adorable and love learning their little quirks and what makes them, well, them. I obviously love animals, which is how I ended up in the profession of veterinary. I love the African bush and its wildlife. I am a soft-core adventure seeker…I want to do multi-day hikes, and live out of a backpack, and walk for kms until your blistered feet won’t allow you to go further and I want to photograph every moment and everything and everyone I encounter, from the flower, to the bird, to the person.
Can you please tell the readers about your journey of singleness: what led you to becoming single and/or what made you choose to be single?
Ah, singleness. Catch me on a bad day, and I can easily cry over this subject, and Yahweh knows how many tears I have shed. I feel like I have been single for much of my adult life, I had a long relationship in my teens that ended in my early 20s but besides that, there’s been a couple of short-lived relationships that reflecting back on, I think I knew wasn’t right for me from the get-go. I’ve never been one for multiple relationships and have always hoped for ‘the one’, quite content with feeling like I could happily live my life with one man. My singleness doesn’t necessarily feel like a choice, but I guess, as I sit here writing this, I realise I could have chosen differently. I could have chosen the people not meant for me and dealt with even more hurt or just got stuck in a situation outside of God’s will and for all the brokenness and rejection and loneliness I have felt, I am grateful that somehow God gave me the strength to choose Him and choose myself even when I thought that I didn’t know how to. So, yeah, it hasn’t always felt like a choice because I do hope for marriage and I can’t help that it hasn’t happened, but I guess I have chosen by leaving it up to God, and leaving it in His hands, despite my attempts at times to snatch the reins and wanting to make it happen. Singleness has been years of struggle, crying and shouting at the Father, thinking there’s some formula that I need to crack, or some healing that has to take place, wondering what is wrong with me that He wouldn’t allow me to be loved, not realising that I am already so loved and cherished. I wish I could paint a picture of beauty and grace, like Miss United States, but my world peace hasn’t always existed in my heart. This hasn’t been a whimsical time of me frolicking in the meadow, it has been war. In a society where certain things equal success, I have been made to feel like I have failed and I have had to fight hard for self-love and self-acceptance – and while that war happens for most people, married or single – there is something extremely isolating about having to choose yourself when you weren’t given the skillset, when you don’t have a physical reminder that someone chose you and you are worthy of love.
Give the readers 5-10 reasons each about your likes and dislikes of being single?
Likes:
● I truly feel like I know myself. This isn’t to say that people in relationships don’t know themselves, but I have had the space to fully hear myself without having to consider how that may impact someone or have that someone impact how I hear myself.
● I only have myself to consider. To some people that may sound like all single people are selfish but I, of course, regard those around me but as an example, with moving to the UK, I didn’t have to consider a spouse or kids.
● My time is my own.
● It has built a lot of self-confidence, for this once very insecure gal. I’ve had to be brave and do all the things alone and deal with life’s curveballs without the reassurance of someone standing alongside me. ● It’s taught me to self-regulate. I by no means always get it right, but due to my own past and things that I have been through, I often looked outwards for reassurance and validation and have been impacted both positively and negatively by this but there have been very real moments where I didn’t get this, and it has helped me to look after myself and know that I can rely on myself.
● I genuinely have learned to like myself, spend time with myself, treat myself, honour myself.
Disikes:
● Yes, I may know myself, but we are all human and sometimes need reminding that we are loved and it can make one feel very vulnerable to expose yourself to other people asking for this but it can be hard when your internal narrative has turned hurtful and there’s no one to tell you otherwise.
● Yeah, I only have myself to consider but moving forward in life and making big decisions and starting over, on your own, is very daunting.
● While my time is my own, it doesn’t necessarily mean people always have time for you. And it can be a pretty isolating time when you feel like you need a friend and understandably, due to their family, kids etc, they just unfortunately don’t have the space for you.
● It’s a lot of aloneness and loneliness. It’s not always getting that hug or shoulder to cry on – in fact, it’s a lot of deep feelings and feeling unseen in your pain. ● It’s multiple empty love language tanks.
● I’m 34 and single – I feel like people don’t talk about this enough – I desire intimacy, I am human…. where my husband at??
Can you give us advice on how to thrive within this gift of the single season?
I think to just be real in every season and every moment. There is so much noise out there telling you how to be single and it made me constantly feel like I was failing or falling short and that if I could finally just crack the code, then surely, he would knock on my door telling me God had sent him. You don’t need to love yourself first, in order to love someone else. Yes, it helps and learning to love myself makes me feel more equipped in choosing the right partner for myself, because I am choosing from a healed place BUT your current inability to love yourself doesn’t equal your inability to love others, that being said I do think having walked through a long journey of healing and still healing gives me greater capacity to love people in the way they need and to love myself and allow myself to be loved. So, work on learning to love yourself and accept all the parts that make up your design, and then go out and celebrate this. You are not being punished…and I say this while knowing that there may still come a time of tears for me where I will feel anger towards God and ask Him why He is punishing me. Our hurt hearts may feel that way, but the truth stands that we are not being punished, but that is where I think it’s important to be real in every season – if you need to cry and say the hard things to God, then do it – He is more than equipped to deal with thoughts and feelings He already knows you are feeling, so may as well say them and get them out. A big saving grace in my life have been my friendships and I am proud of what I have invested into them. That safe space is very much needed so don’t neglect those areas of your life because it’s my friends who have helped me get through some of the hardest seasons of life and it’s those friends who will still be there once your spouse comes along. I can only speak from my own experience and the reality was that I came from a place of brokenness and had much to journey through and so while I feel I am much further along on that journey than ever before, I can reflect back and realise that the Father’s priority was me and not me AND husband and so I am learning to trust the process. Society and the church put so much emphasis on marriage as if it’s the end goal, and I know I have definitely adopted similar beliefs over the years, I don’t believe that anymore and I am so proud of the life I have today. Don’t be afraid to challenge your own beliefs and those around you. It is easy to get lost in them, but the important thing about life is to place more importance on how your life feels to you, than how it looks to others. The important part is keeping your focus on Yahweh, He is the ultimate end goal…the rest is just storylines.
Can you please share a prayer for those who are in the season of singleness?
Father, I lift up those reading this, who may find themselves in what feels like a never-ending season of singleness. It is so difficult to not feel less than, unchosen and unseen – I pray that You will make us feel all those things. Where we feel less than, that You remind us constantly and in ways our hearts can receive, that we are more than enough. When we are watching people all around us get chosen, and wonder when our turn will come, that we will be reminded of just how chosen, redeemed and loved we are, and when we feel unseen in our pain and struggles that You will show yourself as El Roi – the God who sees me. Be the comfort of our hearts, the speaker of truth to our minds that sometimes tell us lies and may Your joy be our strength always. In Yeshua’s name, Amen
Thank you for reading, till next time…
Peace and blessings in Yeshua!
