Shalom beloveds
In 2017 I was still battling with unforgiveness towards myself. As my depression increased, the devil was having a “field day” in my mind and my body was on auto pilot: passing through the hours, yet dead on he inside. Depression is different for everyone. I knew God, yet still believed in Satan’s lies. I believed in Jesus, yet still I attempted to take my own life. This is what Satan (the father of lies) does. He makes you believe that you are worthless and abandoned. He tells you that you do not deserve to be forgiven or loved. So it is imperative that we refresh our mind and spirit with the TRUTH of God on a daily, even an hourly basis..
Almost 5 years after my abortion, I was feeling empty and the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I was newly “born again” and pursuing my new life with Christ as obediently as I could. But I still felt undeserving and lonely. I heard Satan say: “See how your life is now. You gave your heart to Jesus, you left your toxic ex-boyfriend and moved back home, you lost all your friends, but look: you’re struggling and alone. Where is God now? Your life is worse than before and you have nothing to show for it. You thought all this new life will take away the sin of your past, make amends for the life that you killed, but it didn’t. God didn’t forgive you. He is still punishing you.” Again and again this dialogue went on in my head and I eventually fell for his trick and believed his lies. As I remember back to these words, I am even reminded of how Satan asked Eve “Did God really say…” (in Genesis 3:1) right before she sinned, and I realise that it was the serpent in the garden all over again, enticing sin and questioning the promises and truth of YHWH. And so I believed that God did not truly forgive me and I once again felt undeserving as I did before, resulting in my suicide. On the night of 20th July 2017 I drank a handful of strong sleeping pills with the intention to kill myself. I gave up on my life, despite giving my life to God only a few months prior. After drinking those pills I blacked out. But I was stunned and confused to wake up the next morning alive. After realising that I’m still here and living, I heard the voice of the Lord say “I’ve forgive you my daughter, now it’s time to forgive yourself.” I suddenly felt a flood a love embalming me and a wave of peace wash over me that reassured me of Abba’s love and comfort. I then understood the true meaning of His love and the forgiveness that I always had but kept rejecting. From that day on, I vowed to never again attempt suicide and to live my life for YHWH as best I can.
What Satan meant to use to destroy me, God actually used for my good and His glory. This is the loving Abba we have, the One who fashioned Heaven and Earth, the One who breathes life into our lungs every second of every day. May my life always be a living sacrifice for the King, and a glorification unto Him. On a note of encouragement: if you are feeling depressed and/or suicidal please ask Jesus to come into your heart and mind and fill it with His truth, love, comfort and peace. But if you are feeling too low to even ask Him or even believe His truths then reach out to a trustworthy person for prayer, and if you have no one to ask then send me an email here and I will pray for you. Prayer is a powerful weapon, yet it is often the last thing we reach for. Remember that you have purpose and that no matter what the devil says to you or about you, you were born for a reason and you matter more than you know. There is always hope. So don’t give up!
Thank you for reading, till next time…
Peace and blessings in Yeshua.
